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  “I’m sorry Justin. I thought I could but I...I...can’t.” I try to explain between sobs. He adjusts himself before he walks across the room.

  Without a look back in my direction he replies, “I know, and I’m sorry too.” He paces around for a while, rubbing his hands repeatedly over his face and through his hair. “Deep down I knew this would be hard, but I wanted to be wrong. I wanted you so badly that I needed to at least try.”

  I continue to sob as he walks towards me and brushes a curl away from my damp cheek. “Maybe we need more time. I know we could have something good, Courtney. For now, I think it’s best if I go. You're here for the night right?” All I can do is nod.

  “Okay, I'll come by in the morning. We'll talk.”

  “I'm sorry.” I croak out again as he stands and walks away. He pulls back the handle and opens the door.

  “I’ll call you, babe.” As soon as he steps outside I hear a scuffle at the door followed by Justin’s “What the fuck…?” and more scuffling. I jump up from the bed and throw back the door and stop dead in my tracks.

  “Justin?” I call out.

  Justin is pinned to the ground while Alex is throwing punches to his face.

  “That is my wife, motherfucker.” He growls but continues his assault. Justin manages to flip Alex off of him and begins to return punches. Both men grapple on to each other as the roll this way and that way along the walk area.

  “Stop it. Stop it.” I scream over and over. Tears are streaming down my face as I follow behind them helplessly.

  “You don’t fucking deserve her.” Justin roars before landing another blow to Alex’s chin.

  “Hey!” A guy opens up his hotel room door. “Get lost, or I’m calling the cops.”

  Alex gives Justin one more shove before backing away. He glares at me with so much hurt and hatred that I lose my breath. The pain of that look is unbearable.

  “Alex, I--”

  “Fuck you.” He roars as he walks past me and then runs down the stairs, skipping several steps in the process. I run desperately behind him, calling his name the whole way. I chase him barefoot through the parking lot, not caring that the hot gravel is digging painfully into my feet. He makes it to his car long before I can reach him. Soon he is reversing with tires squealing. When he speeds past me, I catch sight of him under the glow of the street lamp as he swipes furiously at his eyes before he is peeling out of the parking lot and into the night.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Present.

  God, Oh God. I run back up the stairs and into the hotel room. Justin was walking out of the bathroom drying his face with a towel. His left eye is starting to swell, and there is a bruise forming on his cheek right below. I hurry past him and gather all of my things and throw them in my case.

  “Where are you going?” Justin asks.

  “Home.” I frantically rush around. “God, Oh God.” I continue to mumble, hysterically. Justin grabs my hand, halting my movements.

  “Wait a second, Courtney. Maybe you need to take a deep breath. Give him time to cool down.”

  “No!” I shout and yank my hand away. “I need to go after him. Now. Right now. Oh God. Oh God. What have I done? Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.”

  Justin’s shoulders sag in defeat. “He doesn’t deserve you.” His words stop me just as I exit through the open door. I unclasp the necklace that Justin gave me and place it on the side table.

  “No, I don’t deserve him.” I say without a backwards glance. My voice shakes as the gravity of what I have lost begins to sink in. I’ve lost him.

  The drive home went by much faster. I pay no attention to the speedometer, have no conscious thought or concern that I could get pulled over for speeding. My thoughts are consumed with getting to Alex. I try to call him but each time I get his voicemail.

  Please. Please. Help me. Please don’t let me lose him.

  I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Over the past few months, I felt myself starting to fade and now I am someone unrecognizable. I am a liar and a cheater. The very type of person I despise.

  I lied to myself, so I didn’t have to face the truth about my choices. I cheated because I am too weak to confront the real issues with the person I have vowed to spend the rest of my life with. I’m also selfish because I liked the attention I was getting from Justin. But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t feel as strongly for him as he does for me. I was only using him. I am a horrible person.

  My life with Alex flashed before my eyes. The first time I laid eyes on him, his sheepish grin and the way he had no idea how gorgeous he was. The way he tried to hide a huge smile when I agreed to go out with him. The way his entire heart and soul were present in his eyes the first time he told me he loved me and how those same eyes rolled back in ecstasy the first time he slipped inside of me. I remember the tear that trickled down his cheek as he repeated his wedding vows and the look of unconditional love when he held each of our daughters for the first time.

  I knew that I would do whatever it took the fix this. I have to fix this.

  Please let me fix this.

  I pull up to the house, and my heart sinks when I notice that all of the lights are off, and his SUV isn’t there. I walk through the front door and nearly trip over a box. To my horror there are only two boxes not the original four. The ones that held his clothes are missing.

  Fuck.

  I sink to the floor and sob uncontrollably. How could I have been so stupid? I know exactly the message he got with the boxes. First, he catches me in a hotel room with Justin, then he comes home to find his things packed and waiting.

  Direct hit.

  ******

  I wake up the next morning still lying in the foyer with my cell phone clutched in my hand. I swiped a hand over my eyes that were dry and puffy from crying myself to sleep. I must have called Alex twenty times. I left voice mails and sent text messages begging for him to call me back and talk to me. I got no response. The screen is completely black, and I couldn’t power it on which means it died at some point during the night. I immediately hurry to plug it into the charger and wait desperately as it slowly picks up enough juice. I am devastated to see that he hasn’t called or messaged me back. I decide to give him some time. Time would make this better. It had to.

  I go upstairs, shower and dress. I pull my hair into a messy, wet bun and cover my puffy eyes with a pair of sunglasses. I stop and grab a coffee before driving over to pick up the girls from Macy’s. This week was the start of winter break, and I am grateful that I can keep them home with me. I just want to hug them all day. They are a part of Alex, and I am desperate to have a piece of him near me right now.

  I take my time getting there as I thought about what to tell the girls and decided to say nothing for now. Alex and I still have a lot to discuss, and I don’t want to entertain any other outcome than us working this out. I unpacked the remaining boxes at some point last night; a gesture I hoped would convince him that I didn’t want him to go.

  I knocked and waited to hear the usual sound of the girls bounding to the door, except I am met with my little sister's irritated stare as she stands there glaring at me with a gigantic red coffee mug in hand. Her lips twist in their usual sarcastic way before she greets me.

  “Court?” She stepped back to let me in. “Are you okay? You look like shit.”

  “Gee, thanks, Mace. I’m fine.” I wasn’t going to get into things especially with the girls near, although I was struggling not to unleash all of the feelings that I am barely holding together. I hear Macy’s sixteen-month old daughter crying in the background. “I’ll get her.” Judd, Macy's longtime boyfriend and the father of her child, calls from the other room.

  “Great, now the baby is awake.” Macy shuffles past me, clearly in grouch mode.

  “Sorry. I hope the girls weren’t too much trouble. Are they still sleeping?” I set my paper coffee cup down on the kitchen counter and slide onto the bar stool. Something about Macy’s noticeable silence made
me turn a questioning glance in her direction.

  “What?” She asks, her eyes squinting as she studied me. “Court. Alex picked up the girls last night.”

  “Wait! What?”

  “Uh, yeah he picked them up around eleven. Why don’t you know this? Where have you been?”

  Suddenly I was in motion and pacing the kitchen.

  “No. No. No. No.” I repeated over and over as I dialed Alex’s number.

  “Court? What’s the matter? Does it have anything to do with the way Alex looked last night? He seemed upset and like he’d been in a fight. He insisted he was fine but wanted to take the girls home.”

  Once again, I got Alex’s voice mail and threw my phone on the counter in frustration.

  “Why? Why did you let him take them Macy?”

  “What do you mean why? He’s their father. I didn’t know of any reason I shouldn’t have let him. What’s going on, Courtney! You’re scaring me.”

  “Oh no. Oh God! Where is he? I don’t even know where to look.” I hold my face between my hands and shake my head back and forth. It didn’t even occur to me that he would have done this. He’s taken my children. My babies.

  “I’ve fucked up, Mace. Real bad.” I told her the entire story in between phone calls. First, I called DeeDee and casually asked if Alex was there, to which she replied no and started to grumble about Cole sleeping in when she could really use his help with the kids. I listened long enough to find a good point to stop her rant and told her I would call her later. There was no sense in getting Dee involved when I wasn’t sure what was going on myself. I didn’t know anyone else to call, so I dialed the office and was told that according to his calendar he was scheduled to be in Baltimore. The trip that he came home early from. How the hell did he know where to find me? I tucked that question away and decided to use all of my brain to find out where Alex and the girls were.

  At the end of my story, Macy is staring at me with her mouth agape.

  “I can’t believe that. What were you thinking?” She shakes her head at me in disbelief. “Courtney, you know I love you, but I have to tell you that you were wrong.”

  “I know. Don’t you think I know that?” I snap. “Just help me. I’m trying to fix this.”

  The doubt was evident in Macy’s expression.

  “I’m not sure you can, sis.” Deep down, I knew she was probably right but I needed to try.

  Macy came back to my house with me and waited...and waited...until it was dark out. She forced me to eat a sandwich before she left and promised to call to check on me.

  *****

  How can he do this to me? It’s been four days. Four days! I got a text from him that simply stated.

  Alex: The girls are fine. Need time to think.

  He still refuses to respond to my texts or answer when I call. I know that he would never do anything to hurt our daughters, so I am not concerned for their safety, I just miss them terribly. I want him to bring them back but don’t want to get the police involved. He is their father, and he has every right to have them with him. Pushing the issue right now seems like the wrong thing to do, and I fear it would be taking things too far.

  I hear the sound of an engine in the driveway and I jump out of bed and run to the door. Instead of the faces of my beautiful babies, or my beautiful husband, I see Justin. I try to close the door in his face, but he puts out a hand to stop it. I don't have the energy to fight him, so I just turn my back and walk away. Justin follows me inside and closes the door behind him.

  “Please go away, Justin. I can’t do this with you right now.”

  “I can’t, Courtney. I know that you are hurting. You haven’t been to work all week. Everyone thinks you’re sick. DeeDee has tried to come by, but she said you won’t let her in.”

  “I told her I was contagious.” It was enough to keep her away for a little while. I knew that she didn’t want to risk taking anything home where she would end up with four sick boys.

  “Did he leave you?” Justin asks softly. I shrug. It was my best answer. I had no clue what Alex was doing.

  “He has the girls.”

  “Damn.” He rubs a hand over his weary face. “I never wanted it to come to this. I kept hoping you would choose me. I thought if you just gave me one day, it would be enough to convince you. To show you that you had my heart.”

  “Justin…”

  “These past few weeks with you have meant so much to me. I didn't know it was possible to fall so fast. I know it might seem hard to understand. Hell, I don’t even understand it myself. This is also why I’m going to walk away. I never wanted to cause you hurt. All I thought about was what I wanted. I didn't give a shit about anybody else. And if things really are over between you and Alex, maybe you’ll find your way to me. On your own. I don’t want to be the guy you settle for because the choice has been made for you. I still don’t think he deserves you. I’ll never be sorry for feeling that way.” Justin takes a step in my direction and I take a step backwards.

  “Don’t.” I warn him.

  “Yeah, don’t.” I turn in horror to the direction of the voice and see Alex standing there, with a bag of Chinese takeout in his hand. I wanted to cry and run into his arms, but the look on his face said that he wasn’t in the mood to do anything but pound Justin's face into the ground. I gave Justin a pleading look and in response he put his hands up in surrender. “Look man, I’m leaving.” He glanced in my direction one last time before sneering at Alex. The way he confidently strode out of the house indicated that he wasn’t the least bit scared of confrontation.

  I watched my husband’s jaw tick as his eyes followed Justin’s departure.

  He set the takeout bag on the kitchen counter. “I figured you haven’t eaten so I…” He doesn’t finish his sentence and abruptly leaves the room. He was right; I don’t think I’ve eaten since yesterday. When Macy came over and fixed me something. Wait, was that yesterday? Or they day before? When was that?

  I find him in the dark living room with his head in his hands.

  “Alex?”

  “Just let me say this, okay?” Taking a deep breath, he continues. “I realize that things haven’t been good between us for a while. I know that I take part of the blame for that. I knew I was hurting you with the decision to move, but I also thought that once we got there you would see how much better things could be. I could have made more of an effort when I traveled to call. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe I was stubborn. Maybe I did want to hurt you just a bit. But I swear to God, Court, swear to God, if I had known it would lead to where we are right now I would have done it all differently.”

  “Alex, I am so sorry. I don’t know why I did it.” I fell to my knees in front of him and sobbed. Big fat ugly tears are falling from my eyes. “I’m so so sorry. I love you so much. Only you.”

  “Then why?” His voice cracks as he leans back on the couch, covering his eyes with his forearm. I could see his chest shaking with quiet sobs. I wanted to go to him, fling my body on to his but I was worried that he would reject me so I stayed where I was.

  “I came here...ready to talk,” his words come out garbled and in broken sentences. “To make you a million promises. But that...motherfucker,” He growls. “Was here. In my damn house. I feel so stupid. For hoping.”

  I immediately climbed on to him and grabbed his face in my hand. “No Alex, I don’t want him. I want you. I love you.” I try to kiss him, but he jerks his head away clearly appalled at my attempt.

  “But you’d fuck him.” He spat out as anger replaced the hurt.

  “No. I didn’t. I didn’t have sex with him.” I didn’t want to get into details right now about what I actually had done with him since Alex was barely holding on by a string as it was. “I told him that I couldn’t and you caught him leaving.”

  It was clear by the expression on Alex’s face that he didn’t believe me. A feeling that he verbalized as well.

  “I don’t believe you. Why
should I believe anything you say? Did you kiss him?” I felt my cheeks immediately grow hot as the guilt assaulted me. Is this happening? Am I sitting here mere inches away from my Alex whom I love with everything I am and admitting to kissing another man?

  I nod my head almost robotically but making it a point to keep my mouth shut. The hurt and anger radiated off of him. I could feel the temperature in his body rise against my skin.

  “Get off me.” He says between clenched teeth.

  “No, Alex. Please don’t do this.”

  “Do what? You did this. YOU DID! Now get off of me.”

  I move away and slide to the couch beside him. Neither of us moving.

  “What are we doing, Alex?”

  He remains quiet for a time, shaking his right leg, an indicator I know means that he is thinking.

  “I need space.” He states before standing. “I can’t stay here.” As he walks away, I call behind him. “What about the girls? Where are they?”

  “They’re with my mom. After I picked them up from Macy's, I drove to Virginia.”

  My heart stopped. He took them to Virginia? I knew he was angry and hurt, but I had no idea he went that far away. I felt I had to tread delicately. So I sat there trying to think of something to say that would convince him to bring them back. Thankfully he spoke before I could.

  “Mom is flying down with them in the morning. I’ll bring them home. I’m sorry for taking off with them. Mom didn’t like it, and she was really mad at me for doing it.”

  I simply nodded. He let out a heavy sigh.

  “I don’t know where we go from here but we have two children who need us. I promise not to do anything to hurt you when it comes to them as long as you promise the same.”

  “I won’t Alex. I want us to work this out. I don’t want to lose you.”

  He shrugs. “I just need to get my head together and I can’t do that here.”

  I watch as he walks around the house grabbing items and making several trips to his SUV. It all seems surreal to see him moving his belongings as I sit here quietly, in numb observation. I sit there long after he had made his final trip. When he was done he mumbled something about bringing the girls back tomorrow and then he was gone.